Did our grandparents know more than us?

 

Did our grandparents really know more about relationships and intimacy than we do? A first you are probably thinking there is absolutely no way they do. I mean come on they didn’t even have the internet right. Well, turns out that might have actually been their greatest advantage in fostering happy healthy relationships and marriages.

Let me first begin with what I believe to be a good starting basis. As mentioned in previous post by myself I have talked about the importance of dating and choosing dates that help you get to know one another, rather than just simply occupying all of each other’s time. Well, this continues to be incredibly important throughout the years of marriage, especially when it comes to being intimate. Let me back up a bit though. The first problem with our society today is our media and music has painted an in our minds that goes something like this. You’re in bar, make eye contact with a cute girl, talk until 2am, have the most wonderful night of your life (if you know what I mean.) Then go our separate ways. Sound about, right? This is a huge problem with the rising generation because that what they see and therefore try to attain. At least for a few years before they “settle down”. Let me tell you of the sad reality of this kind of belief though. First, that never happens. Second those who it does happen to and find love in these kinds of way neat always feel empty and worthless on the inside. That’s because they are merely engaging in a physical activity together and are never actually forming the true connection that we as humans all long for. In fact, for women, the very act causes a chemical called oxytocin to be released that causes her to form a very strong connection that is only to be broken soon after.

As you can see, the problem we face is our media has filled our societies minds with an expectation that is quite frankly not just empty just crippling to our very nature. I want to talk about where this can lead to problems further don’t the line, because many of you are probably thinking that most of society isn’t like that. And your right. so, what about those who “settle down” and get married. Well, let’s talk about that. When couples get married you often think about a big wedding day and then the wedding night and a honeymoon, well again society has light to us and probably has you thinking that the “first night” will forever be the best night but in reality, I think those who have actually experienced this would say it was more of an experiment than it was an experience. And I’m here to say that that is okay. The part that isn’t okay is when both people come into the situation expecting an edited pornographic version of what is simply not reality. That is where real issues begin to arise.

I would like to talk about what it should be like though not just what it shouldn’t. When 2 people get married and engage in marital intimacy the first thing they should know s that their bodies are not only different but work differently, so what may be very effective for a male is likely no so effective for a female. And that doesn’t just go for intimacy. It goes for a marriage as a whole.  Acknowledge this is fundamental to building a strong healthy connection in marriage. Since intimacy is the most direct way to doing this, I will use it as an example. When a couple gets married their goal for intimacy should look something like the Husband being as selfless as ever in helping is wife to feel loved, safe, and able to be vulnerable with him. While She should be focused on him and become very vulnerable to him. (Which he should never take advantage of) it is actually the deepening trust and vulnerability that makes for meaningful and exceptional marital intimacy. And that’s not something that can happen in a single night. It’s something that is grown and nurtured over the course of a marriage. I think this is what our grandparents understood while we have a pseudo version of it in front of us all the time. But when you really think about it. Its about your spouse and their needs more than anything the world tells you.

Blueprinting a Marriage.

     This week I’d like to talk about continue my post from last week by talking about the few years of marriage. Tailing off of last week, we talked about how we should be intentional in our relationships instead of sliding into them. I’ve learned that if we are intentional in our relationships, we are much more likely to have a happy functional and rewarding marriage. This marrying someone who we are truly compatible with is crucial in the first 5 years. This is because this is when a marriage goes through the most change and trails. Especially when kids come along.

   When we get married, we often think it ill be all sunshine and roses and we can just spend our whole lives with the person we love most. While this is true and it’s supposed to be a very rewarding and wonderful, even perhaps the best part of our lives. It can be difficult. When 2 people get married they have a lot to figure out that most people have probably never considered before, things like, who will take hat household duties Who or how will the finances be managed, what cultural differences will be kept, and which ones won’t be, whose family will we spend the holidays with. All of these things are common points of controversy in the first years of marriage. But that’s okay because marriage is literally the forming a new family, and something as complex as a family isn’t perfect from its first blueprint like an engineering project. What really matters is how these things and other are handled between a husband and wife.

      In an earlier post I talked about having theoretical cycles our boundaries around different people. The most core and primary one being between the husband and wife. This is where that become really important. The key is working to form your new family within that boundary. Too often we see a wife who continues to go to her mom for every conflict and every decision when trying to blueprint the first year of marriage. Or a new husband who will council with friends about things that he really should be talking to his wife about. The fact of the matter is you’re not forming a new family with your mother or your friends. You’re forming a new family with your wife/ husband and that’s who you should be discussing what that family will look like and how it will work.

    I want to take a moment to talk specifically about when the first kid comes into, he picture. I want to talk on this because right about the time that most things have been figured out between a couple, it all changes when the first child is born. A lot changes when a child is born in to a family but I want to come back to the idea of the boundary surrounding the husband and wife for moment. One thing that makes having kids especially interesting is basically no matter what that child suddenly enters that very innermost circle that has probably just recently really been established. At first this may seem harmless but if were not careful what often times can happen is the mother’s attention suddenly becomes solely focused on the baby (which it should), but the father can very quickly feel a bit neglected and feel he has lost his spot. This is a difficult thing to keep from happening but the reason that it can be such a wedge is that the father will often begin to find other outlets, not necessarily bad ones maybe hobbies or more time with friends as a result of feeling a little outed. but intern the wife when she needs him most can feel that he has deserted her a little and is distancing himself from the family. Which can be a very valid concern. This is a topic we discussed today and so I wanted to share it with you all.    

    I believe that if we are diligent and conscious in keeping our relationships strong, we can achieve happy and rewarding marriage. Not always easy but very strong, lasting and rewarding marriage.

 How true relationships are built

    This week I had the opportunity to look at some really interesting data regarding relationships and what factors effect their success. In today’s world I personally feel that there is so much ambiguity on what a relationship really is. On all levels, even between friends. I personally think that there is at least one major reason for this. Lack of intent. What I mean by that is that you don’t see people going on on real dates anymore, we more or less just kind of “hangout” and on the surface this looks totally fine because we can say that if both people are okay with that then what the problem. The problem lies in where it leads. You see so often in today’s world we see couples that in stead of “dating” we simplicity all of each other’s time and call it dating. the problem lies in that we don’t actually get to truly know each other and after enough time we start building a future together on a really pretty shaky foundation. Even though we have spent hundreds of hours together. I’ll explain further after covering what I think is a crucial principal with any relationship.

                The RAM models. The RAM model is mostly common sense, but we often fail to see it. It goes something like this: as we get to know someone, we begin to trust them, as we then begin to Trust someone, we then begin to rely on them, as we begin to rely on them, we begin to commit to them, and after we are substantially committed to them be begun to be intimate with them. To summarize that it looks something like this:   Know à Trust à Rely à Commit à Intimacy.  Its really rather simple, it only has one rule. The level of the next stage cannot exceed the level of the first. That the golden rule. For example, we should rely on someone only as much as we can trust them, right? As simple as this model is its so often broken without anyone ever realizing it.

Coming back to my original problem of people not being intently, without intent in our relationships we begin to build futures on things that aren’t really there. We so often see people engage in the latter 3 steps with ought ever really taking time for the first two. This is a result of “sliding into relationships. When we find ourselves in relationships that are convenient and then thye quickly ead into high commitment levels and intimacy, however when things become challenging and its no longer convenient, they come crashing down because the first pillars of the relationship were minimal at best. The unfortunate part is by the time this happens often kids are involved, and the couple has been married.

So how do we fix this? We become more in tentful in our dating and pursuing of our relationships. This means being willing to assort between people instead of falling into relationships that wont last beyond a hardship. It means being mindful of the pattern we earlier shown. The first and foremost goal is to get to know them. If we do this all the others will naturally trail in that one’s footsteps. I believe that if we as a society were in tentful in filling this pattern and who we pursue the pattern with we would see a dramatic drop in divorce rates and broken families. Hearts would not be broken nearly as often, and people would generally be happier together. I personally feel this is why I am so happily married to my wife and fell very secure on my relationship with her because we were diligent in following the steps when were dating. And that patter continues. As we continue to get the know each other we then trust more, rely, more, and commit more, etc. I invite you no matter where you find yourself to be intentful in building relationships even if that means starting over a bit with someone who you may already be with. Go on a first date again.

Question everything but your own experience.

     This week I have learned a great deal about some very touchy subjects in the world today. This week talked about gender roles and that as you can imagine flowed into Gender orientation. But to start off I would like to talk about roles and some very interesting research that has been done on it.

     We often hear in the world today that gender is merely a difference of reproductive organs. or maybe you’ve hard as far as how our X and Y chromosomes are different. But the fact of the matter is. Our gender reaches beyond that even. Recent studies have shown that from the moment we are born boys and girls are inherently different not just physically, but our brains are actually built differently. Scientist have observed behaviors such as infant females will be more inclined to actually look at their mother when they talk and try to mimic them compared to boys. While on the other hand infant males will tend to be more accustomed to their motor skills. This and other extensive research ahs shown that boys and girls really are wired differently. Although many of the young people in this country today will disagree with that, I think it is interesting to note that most parents will quite confidently tell you that boys and girls are just different. Especially those who have raised identical twins of opposite genders. Although many have observed these characteristics in our own lives it seems as though science tries to tell us that they don’t exist. Well, it turns out its just the opposite and there is an abundance of very will conducted research hat shows that gender really is apart of who we are. But what happens when someone doesn’t exactly fit their gender? Someone who you could say is atypical of their natural inclinations.

      The latter half of our discussions this week led to talking about this, people who feel they don’t fit into the gender norms of male and female and entirely heterosexual. Most often we hear 1 of 3 conclusions about what this happens. 1. They chose it, this case has little sway because most people who claim they are gay, lesbian or any other form. Say they didn’t choose it for themselves. And rightfully so. 2. Something happened in their past that mentally changed them. I lot people take this very offensively because they feel it labels then as though their atypical sexual orientation is a symptom of being broken in some way shape or form. Because of this and scarce amount of supporting research, it is rejected by most people today. 3. They were born that way. This by far is the most popular explanation for why some people are not heterosexual. It’s satisfying and corelates with most of the experiences people have had in realizing they are not heterosexual. They didn’t choose it, its seemingly very natural for them, they can’t seem to change it no matter how hard they try, it very much so seems to be apart of who they are, and it relives the sense of having to change because with this cause it implies that its just who you are. However, this doesn’t fit the experience and research we have. In fact it actually opposes most research done on the subject. So, what if there was a 4 cause. What if our sexual orientation is simply how we learned to do something?

     Think about learning a English for example, you don’t remember learning it, you didn’t choose it, and yet you cant hardly think without it. You see in our Biologically we are in a sense programmed to communicate with one another, however how we go about doing that varies greatly across the worlds. Based on how we grew up and the experiences we’ve had determines what language we speak. What id our sexual orientation as no different? Just like with our biological desire to communicate we also have a biological need for intimacy. Under normal circumstances our brains lean to fulfill this in a heterosexual way, but sometimes our mental journey can actually cause our brain to learn an alternative way of fulfilling that need. Not many people have heard of this idea before but is actually the most proven theory of them all. And perhaps most importantly it gives the individual their agency back. Something the biological theory takes away. If this really is what happens it means that it can be changed. Similarly, to someone who learns another language and eventually it become third first language. That’s not easy by any strength of the imagination especially when it comes to sexual orientation but the journey our brain must take is the same.