Is working More Joyful Than Playing?

 

    This week I had the opportunity to take part in some really interesting conversation about the finances and work. Most of our discussion centered around the principal of work and so that is where I will primarily stay for my topic today. Many of us have a mindset that goes something like this. “Once I’m done with this work then ill get to enjoy myself” but how true I that statement? Especially when we are working with our families.

    I want your t think back to some of your earliest childhood memories that are joyful. What were you doing? Were you playing or were you working? You might be surprised to realize that your joyful early childhood memory was actually of you working. Interesting, isn’t it? I have a 20-month-old at home and as much as she loves to play in the living room, she will do almost anything to fell like she is helping. The earliest task I can remember her doing was wanting to throw away her own diapers. As she is a bit older now we find her running around the house with a tall or a rag and attempting to clean up anything that may be food on the floor. Or when the vacuumed comes out she runs into the room and intently watches as if she is taking notes. As I have found with our own kid n dim sure you have found with many of yours. Playing just does grab the attention of kids as much as working does. Especially when they fell like they can help. So why do we turn this round by about 16?

     I think that joy is found in work very naturally, but our society tends to smother that and tell us work is bad and that leisure is where the real joy lies. I find this to be completely false. I think as parents we could a much better job of embracing our kids in their effort to work and help. After all most young kids want to do it anyway. Why not encourage it? I believe that if we were to start living our lives in such a way that work was viewed as a good thing that we would actually find much more joy in our lives and our kids would grow up to be more determined and driven to accomplish great things over the course of their lives. I think every parent wants their kids to find what three passionate about and really work to accomplish soothing don’t they?

    From the time I was very young my dad would take me to work with him doing construction and remodel. I hated getting up early on a Saturday and working much of my summer in the moment, but I now look back and am so grateful that he brought me a long and forced me out of bed all those mornings. By doing so he instilled a work ethic and a confidence in me that has carried me through my adult life thus far. Because of that I am confident in myself that I will be able to do whatever needs to be done and I actually enjoy working to accomplish things and seeing the fruits of my labor. I now am getting ready to graduate college and have job lined up for the next stage in my life and I can honestly say that I am excited to start and good something every day that makes the world a better place. I truly believe that working will actually bring us more joy than playing especially when we do it with our families. That is a secret that I will hold on to and try my very hardest to instill into my own kids as they get older.

Never Decide Alone.

 

            Today I want tot talk about decision making in our families in our work life and for ourselves. Perhaps most importantly in our families though. I’m going to take a different approach than most of you would probably think of when decision making. But before doing that I want to share a bit of my own story with you.

            When I was in high school, probably about 16 I was finally able to make a lot of decisions on my own and for myself. Well, by the time I was 18 I had realized that I wasn’t very good at it and landed myself if a pretty dark place in my life. the truth of the matter is that I had used my agency to shut out any light that my life possessed without ever even realizing I was doing it. (I was not associated or had participated in any form of religion at this point in my life.) But I had realized that A very important part of me was dying because of my decisions, and I needed help reviving it. about this time, I met someone who introduced me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Over the next few months, I spent a tremendous amount of time with a family who had a very good relationship with God and seem direct there lives so perfectly. Not easily, but correctly for sure. As I spent time there, I almost subconsciously gave the God the opportunity to influence me in a small degree the way he influenced each of them.

            Within a few weeks I began to experiment on my own. Trying to pray for the first time and include God in some to my life decisions. This changed everything… Because I decided to exercise a muster seed of faith during that time, I was able to learn that God was not only real, but he was a perfect Father in heaven who knew exactly who was, far better than I knew myself. As soon as I cracked to door for the influence of go in my life, I was seemingly drenched in the amount of direction that seem to pour into my life. The process was extremely difficult but for me but because Included my Heavenly father in my everyday decisions I have a new life that I would trade for 1000 times the other way.

            The reason I’m telling you all this is because it changed my life and I promise it can change yours too. I’m here to stand today as a witness that you have a Father in heaven who cares for you more than anything and he desperately want s to help you through your mortal life here on earth. You just have to let him. I am now married and the father of two and I realize that the decisions only get bigger and harder as life goes on. Because of that I heave learned the value of seeking the Lords will in our lives. Especially when it comes to big decision in our families.

            No marriage will ever agree on 100% of the life decisions you will have to make. So instead of letting those discrepancies become wedges between a family, why don’t we seek what the lord would have us do instead. You may be surprised at the answers he gives. My wife and I often find we were both wrong and so grateful we were. I want to invite you whoever you may be to invite your Father in heaven into the decisions of your life. I promise he wants to help you and knows exactly what the right answer is.  I have experiences this many times in my own life and have time and time again seen the wisdom of his council. I want to testify to you that taking this leap of faith in your life will not only help you lead a better life but help you get to know your Father in heaven on a personal level. Its has been the case for me And I know it can be the case for you too.

Taking Control

 

     This week I had the opportunity to be a part of some really interesting discussions about anxiety, depression, and crises family situations. Throughout the course of our discussion, I found myself both amazed by the agency our Heavenly Father has given us and taken aback by the adversary’s ability to cause us to limit its power. Agency is one of the most powerful things we have in this life and if we use it properly, we can accomplish miraculous things, however if we let satin begin to take our agency and use it in poor destructive ways, we can find ourselves in very dark places. But that is not our heavenly fathers plan for us. Its far better than that. It is for us to be able to use our agency to become something great and to be worthy of being called suns and daughters of God.

     I will preface this with the fact that this with what I am going to say will most likely counter what you have heard in the world today, but I hope that it will be a light to those who are open to the ideas. But before we get to that I want to talk about anxiety and depression in the purest and natural form. Anxiety is nothing more than our bodies natural fight, flight, or freeze responses to danger around us. That’s right anxiety is a totally natural thing that all of us are capable of.  Anxiety is our bodies natural way of trying to resolve a problem and avoid danger. Depression is a step furthest than that, depression is when our brain believes there is no way to escape the danger and that we will forever be doomed to whatever circumstance has caused our anxiety with no hope of ever changing it. Now, this is where things get really interesting and the part of the explanation of why these things are on the rise.

      You see our brain doesn’t really make decisions based off reality, its our spirits job to discern between truth and error, not our brains. Our brain makes designs based on what we perceive to be reality not reality itself. For example, your asked to say a few words Infront of a crown of people. Immediately anxiety sets in, you hear rate jumps, your blood pressure shoots up and your palms get all sweaty. In a nutshell your body is preparing to either fight or flight. But why? There’s no real danger nobody there is actually going to attack you. So why did our body do this? Because our thoughts led our brain to think there was a real danger. You see this is the key.

      Your brain can only react you can’t change that. However, you can change what its reacting too. Your thoughts. If you don’t think the crown your Infront of is going to attack you, neither will your brain. You won’t feel anxiety if you don’t give your brain anything to trigger it. this is where the agency in anxiety and depression lies. This is where you can take control of it again. Now this is a lot more than just “tell yourself happy thought’ your brain will immediately reject it if you don’t even believe it yourself. The thought that places the false perceived ones MUST BE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Truth is the key to cure anxiety and depression. If we could stop perceiving the world around us as threatening and stop telling ourselves that we are miserable then we actually wouldn’t be.

       Now there is a third factor to this. Circumstances. But I’m here to tell you that circumstances don’t control your anxiety and depression do. They merely influence your thoughts that then control your anxiety and depression. but this is often the fall of ourselves. We tale a circumstance that’s kind of bad and tell our brains its horrible. For example: Say the father of a child is sent off to war. Not an idea situation but there is a start difference between “the government stole my dad and is going to get him killed” and “My dad is a hero”. You see how the first one cause anger but the second one inspires dignity. The situation didn’t change. Only our thoughts did. If this generation could but learn to use our agency to control our thoughts and therefore our brain we could bring about miracles in the world of mental health.

Did our grandparents know more than us?

 

Did our grandparents really know more about relationships and intimacy than we do? A first you are probably thinking there is absolutely no way they do. I mean come on they didn’t even have the internet right. Well, turns out that might have actually been their greatest advantage in fostering happy healthy relationships and marriages.

Let me first begin with what I believe to be a good starting basis. As mentioned in previous post by myself I have talked about the importance of dating and choosing dates that help you get to know one another, rather than just simply occupying all of each other’s time. Well, this continues to be incredibly important throughout the years of marriage, especially when it comes to being intimate. Let me back up a bit though. The first problem with our society today is our media and music has painted an in our minds that goes something like this. You’re in bar, make eye contact with a cute girl, talk until 2am, have the most wonderful night of your life (if you know what I mean.) Then go our separate ways. Sound about, right? This is a huge problem with the rising generation because that what they see and therefore try to attain. At least for a few years before they “settle down”. Let me tell you of the sad reality of this kind of belief though. First, that never happens. Second those who it does happen to and find love in these kinds of way neat always feel empty and worthless on the inside. That’s because they are merely engaging in a physical activity together and are never actually forming the true connection that we as humans all long for. In fact, for women, the very act causes a chemical called oxytocin to be released that causes her to form a very strong connection that is only to be broken soon after.

As you can see, the problem we face is our media has filled our societies minds with an expectation that is quite frankly not just empty just crippling to our very nature. I want to talk about where this can lead to problems further don’t the line, because many of you are probably thinking that most of society isn’t like that. And your right. so, what about those who “settle down” and get married. Well, let’s talk about that. When couples get married you often think about a big wedding day and then the wedding night and a honeymoon, well again society has light to us and probably has you thinking that the “first night” will forever be the best night but in reality, I think those who have actually experienced this would say it was more of an experiment than it was an experience. And I’m here to say that that is okay. The part that isn’t okay is when both people come into the situation expecting an edited pornographic version of what is simply not reality. That is where real issues begin to arise.

I would like to talk about what it should be like though not just what it shouldn’t. When 2 people get married and engage in marital intimacy the first thing they should know s that their bodies are not only different but work differently, so what may be very effective for a male is likely no so effective for a female. And that doesn’t just go for intimacy. It goes for a marriage as a whole.  Acknowledge this is fundamental to building a strong healthy connection in marriage. Since intimacy is the most direct way to doing this, I will use it as an example. When a couple gets married their goal for intimacy should look something like the Husband being as selfless as ever in helping is wife to feel loved, safe, and able to be vulnerable with him. While She should be focused on him and become very vulnerable to him. (Which he should never take advantage of) it is actually the deepening trust and vulnerability that makes for meaningful and exceptional marital intimacy. And that’s not something that can happen in a single night. It’s something that is grown and nurtured over the course of a marriage. I think this is what our grandparents understood while we have a pseudo version of it in front of us all the time. But when you really think about it. Its about your spouse and their needs more than anything the world tells you.

Blueprinting a Marriage.

     This week I’d like to talk about continue my post from last week by talking about the few years of marriage. Tailing off of last week, we talked about how we should be intentional in our relationships instead of sliding into them. I’ve learned that if we are intentional in our relationships, we are much more likely to have a happy functional and rewarding marriage. This marrying someone who we are truly compatible with is crucial in the first 5 years. This is because this is when a marriage goes through the most change and trails. Especially when kids come along.

   When we get married, we often think it ill be all sunshine and roses and we can just spend our whole lives with the person we love most. While this is true and it’s supposed to be a very rewarding and wonderful, even perhaps the best part of our lives. It can be difficult. When 2 people get married they have a lot to figure out that most people have probably never considered before, things like, who will take hat household duties Who or how will the finances be managed, what cultural differences will be kept, and which ones won’t be, whose family will we spend the holidays with. All of these things are common points of controversy in the first years of marriage. But that’s okay because marriage is literally the forming a new family, and something as complex as a family isn’t perfect from its first blueprint like an engineering project. What really matters is how these things and other are handled between a husband and wife.

      In an earlier post I talked about having theoretical cycles our boundaries around different people. The most core and primary one being between the husband and wife. This is where that become really important. The key is working to form your new family within that boundary. Too often we see a wife who continues to go to her mom for every conflict and every decision when trying to blueprint the first year of marriage. Or a new husband who will council with friends about things that he really should be talking to his wife about. The fact of the matter is you’re not forming a new family with your mother or your friends. You’re forming a new family with your wife/ husband and that’s who you should be discussing what that family will look like and how it will work.

    I want to take a moment to talk specifically about when the first kid comes into, he picture. I want to talk on this because right about the time that most things have been figured out between a couple, it all changes when the first child is born. A lot changes when a child is born in to a family but I want to come back to the idea of the boundary surrounding the husband and wife for moment. One thing that makes having kids especially interesting is basically no matter what that child suddenly enters that very innermost circle that has probably just recently really been established. At first this may seem harmless but if were not careful what often times can happen is the mother’s attention suddenly becomes solely focused on the baby (which it should), but the father can very quickly feel a bit neglected and feel he has lost his spot. This is a difficult thing to keep from happening but the reason that it can be such a wedge is that the father will often begin to find other outlets, not necessarily bad ones maybe hobbies or more time with friends as a result of feeling a little outed. but intern the wife when she needs him most can feel that he has deserted her a little and is distancing himself from the family. Which can be a very valid concern. This is a topic we discussed today and so I wanted to share it with you all.    

    I believe that if we are diligent and conscious in keeping our relationships strong, we can achieve happy and rewarding marriage. Not always easy but very strong, lasting and rewarding marriage.

 How true relationships are built

    This week I had the opportunity to look at some really interesting data regarding relationships and what factors effect their success. In today’s world I personally feel that there is so much ambiguity on what a relationship really is. On all levels, even between friends. I personally think that there is at least one major reason for this. Lack of intent. What I mean by that is that you don’t see people going on on real dates anymore, we more or less just kind of “hangout” and on the surface this looks totally fine because we can say that if both people are okay with that then what the problem. The problem lies in where it leads. You see so often in today’s world we see couples that in stead of “dating” we simplicity all of each other’s time and call it dating. the problem lies in that we don’t actually get to truly know each other and after enough time we start building a future together on a really pretty shaky foundation. Even though we have spent hundreds of hours together. I’ll explain further after covering what I think is a crucial principal with any relationship.

                The RAM models. The RAM model is mostly common sense, but we often fail to see it. It goes something like this: as we get to know someone, we begin to trust them, as we then begin to Trust someone, we then begin to rely on them, as we begin to rely on them, we begin to commit to them, and after we are substantially committed to them be begun to be intimate with them. To summarize that it looks something like this:   Know à Trust à Rely à Commit à Intimacy.  Its really rather simple, it only has one rule. The level of the next stage cannot exceed the level of the first. That the golden rule. For example, we should rely on someone only as much as we can trust them, right? As simple as this model is its so often broken without anyone ever realizing it.

Coming back to my original problem of people not being intently, without intent in our relationships we begin to build futures on things that aren’t really there. We so often see people engage in the latter 3 steps with ought ever really taking time for the first two. This is a result of “sliding into relationships. When we find ourselves in relationships that are convenient and then thye quickly ead into high commitment levels and intimacy, however when things become challenging and its no longer convenient, they come crashing down because the first pillars of the relationship were minimal at best. The unfortunate part is by the time this happens often kids are involved, and the couple has been married.

So how do we fix this? We become more in tentful in our dating and pursuing of our relationships. This means being willing to assort between people instead of falling into relationships that wont last beyond a hardship. It means being mindful of the pattern we earlier shown. The first and foremost goal is to get to know them. If we do this all the others will naturally trail in that one’s footsteps. I believe that if we as a society were in tentful in filling this pattern and who we pursue the pattern with we would see a dramatic drop in divorce rates and broken families. Hearts would not be broken nearly as often, and people would generally be happier together. I personally feel this is why I am so happily married to my wife and fell very secure on my relationship with her because we were diligent in following the steps when were dating. And that patter continues. As we continue to get the know each other we then trust more, rely, more, and commit more, etc. I invite you no matter where you find yourself to be intentful in building relationships even if that means starting over a bit with someone who you may already be with. Go on a first date again.

Question everything but your own experience.

     This week I have learned a great deal about some very touchy subjects in the world today. This week talked about gender roles and that as you can imagine flowed into Gender orientation. But to start off I would like to talk about roles and some very interesting research that has been done on it.

     We often hear in the world today that gender is merely a difference of reproductive organs. or maybe you’ve hard as far as how our X and Y chromosomes are different. But the fact of the matter is. Our gender reaches beyond that even. Recent studies have shown that from the moment we are born boys and girls are inherently different not just physically, but our brains are actually built differently. Scientist have observed behaviors such as infant females will be more inclined to actually look at their mother when they talk and try to mimic them compared to boys. While on the other hand infant males will tend to be more accustomed to their motor skills. This and other extensive research ahs shown that boys and girls really are wired differently. Although many of the young people in this country today will disagree with that, I think it is interesting to note that most parents will quite confidently tell you that boys and girls are just different. Especially those who have raised identical twins of opposite genders. Although many have observed these characteristics in our own lives it seems as though science tries to tell us that they don’t exist. Well, it turns out its just the opposite and there is an abundance of very will conducted research hat shows that gender really is apart of who we are. But what happens when someone doesn’t exactly fit their gender? Someone who you could say is atypical of their natural inclinations.

      The latter half of our discussions this week led to talking about this, people who feel they don’t fit into the gender norms of male and female and entirely heterosexual. Most often we hear 1 of 3 conclusions about what this happens. 1. They chose it, this case has little sway because most people who claim they are gay, lesbian or any other form. Say they didn’t choose it for themselves. And rightfully so. 2. Something happened in their past that mentally changed them. I lot people take this very offensively because they feel it labels then as though their atypical sexual orientation is a symptom of being broken in some way shape or form. Because of this and scarce amount of supporting research, it is rejected by most people today. 3. They were born that way. This by far is the most popular explanation for why some people are not heterosexual. It’s satisfying and corelates with most of the experiences people have had in realizing they are not heterosexual. They didn’t choose it, its seemingly very natural for them, they can’t seem to change it no matter how hard they try, it very much so seems to be apart of who they are, and it relives the sense of having to change because with this cause it implies that its just who you are. However, this doesn’t fit the experience and research we have. In fact it actually opposes most research done on the subject. So, what if there was a 4 cause. What if our sexual orientation is simply how we learned to do something?

     Think about learning a English for example, you don’t remember learning it, you didn’t choose it, and yet you cant hardly think without it. You see in our Biologically we are in a sense programmed to communicate with one another, however how we go about doing that varies greatly across the worlds. Based on how we grew up and the experiences we’ve had determines what language we speak. What id our sexual orientation as no different? Just like with our biological desire to communicate we also have a biological need for intimacy. Under normal circumstances our brains lean to fulfill this in a heterosexual way, but sometimes our mental journey can actually cause our brain to learn an alternative way of fulfilling that need. Not many people have heard of this idea before but is actually the most proven theory of them all. And perhaps most importantly it gives the individual their agency back. Something the biological theory takes away. If this really is what happens it means that it can be changed. Similarly, to someone who learns another language and eventually it become third first language. That’s not easy by any strength of the imagination especially when it comes to sexual orientation but the journey our brain must take is the same.